I enjoy my creative side, even if I only share it with a few friends.

I've started looking at a script I wrote at the beginning of last year and I must say I have caught the bug again.

I have particularly enjoyed re-writing. Basically re-imagining what the story could look like. I've kept the characters, but the events are changing. From a snapshot of the mundane, I'm starting to carve out a snapshot of that point in a story, a life, a character, where there is a lot at stake. Not necessarily physical endangerment, but emotionally and psychologically.

Random events do spiral into life changing moments. Strangers do just bump into each other. Story do intersect. This happens in real life.

So, yes. I am excited. I am eager to write a story that challenges me, but not to the point of risking engaging an audience.

I can't give too much away, because it's very much in the early stages.

peace.

contemplative.

Being a really introverted thinker person, it's actually amazing how little time I spend contemplating.

Contemplation, meditation is a sort of medication for the over thinker. I think too much, about too, too much of the time.

Learning to meditate has been so refreshing. Distancing myself from the clutter of the hum-drum dreariness of everyday over thinking. Well I'm guilty of that anyway.

So meditation...

It's really once you get into. I read somewhere it's not about banishing random thoughts, or retaining them, but distancing yourself from those thoughts. In the same way a plane takes off and vanishes in the distance, that's what happens to your thoughts when you meditate. It's intentional, where you imagine the thoughts passing you by. They come, they go. You breathe in, you breathe out.

There's a continual drift in and out of thought. At first the heavy traffic congestion of muddle musings, incomplete thoughts, and tomorrows chores. But allow yourself to picture your thoughts moving on, don't hold onto them. Leave them be, they had a momentum coming, let them continue on their way...

I have found the Spiritual Practices section on Mars Hill Bible Churches website really helpful! Have a look here.

Who else would I want to be?

I often find myself preoccupied with uneducated self directed pondering that often, but not always, leads nowhere.

Regardless of the example, how does what I ponder change anything if I don't act on it? Like, the idea of being in a relationship is great, right. Long walks on the beach, dinner by candle light, a picnic under a tree. All great stuff!

But where is it, that the idea takes hold wraps itself around your every waking thought that the only possible conclusion, outcome, action, is to take action. To make the first move. To put in place the series of events that realise your mindless meanderings.

It's not often that I'm gripped by the intensity of an idea. Those moments are holy. Perhaps I'm unworthy?

Oh, but there are times! When my unnecessary self loathing, pitiful, melancholic dreariness is taken aback. I'm then left with keys to that mystical, mysterious, messy moment of clarity. I'd be listening to a song. The lyric, the melody, the voice catapults you beyond the confines of merely consuming the music, beyond just being a member of the audience, but propelled forward, inward, outward. The idea has taken root. Take action. Move first.

Reflecting on all of this. I think this happens more often than I think. I'm propelled forward, inward, outward, more times than I'm aware of. Somehow and in some way, I'm always better for it.

It's real crazy how these moments often occur, for me, out of a struggle. Creativity is funny like that.

Your back is up against a wall, your fears and lies have your shoulders pinned right back. You struggle to break free. You're cynical, dark and self loathing. You could either; fight back, but the burden is only heavier; give up, but you only get pushed harder. Or, you could face them, you could look them in the eye, you could even step to the side and let push right on through the wall.

I'm often reminded by a melody, a friends smile, a lyrical inflection, a baby crying. That what MIGHT happen is not as important as what IS happening. There's so much to get preoccupied by that I often miss how BEAUTIFUL it is to be present NOW. The STRUGGLE is about taking back your time, taking back NOW. Too often I plan ahead, what just needs to be enjoyed. I forget that who I am, is good enough for NOW and because of that I am able to BE.

In all of my messiness, incongruently reverberating towards old habits, thoughts, fears, I can be OK with who I am.

Who else would I want be?

Possibly, finally... but, probably not...

If you have read any of my last few posts, you'll know that I have been searching/ looking/ thinking about what it is that drives those who find themselves on the margins with some sort of influence to madness.

Although my persuasion is toward reconciling it all with Jesus. I don't want to get ahead of the discovery, the possibility of being persuaded otherwise. A risk yes, but if as I'm persuaded to let you know that my current state of thinking would lead me to believe that all truth is pursued long enough leads to Jesus.

So, if that is true there is no risk in this pursuit...

But who knows what will happen, right? Like if I'm wrong, there goes my entire worldview.... anyway.

The main reason I'm exploring burnout and activism. Yes! I just realised, that's what I'm talking about. Hmm.

Thank you and good night.

Exist.

I tend to wonder what all my musings add up to. Like, in the greater scheme of things, how much do MY thoughts matter? The only conclusion I can come up with is, that its for my own SANITY.

I'm continually chasing the answer to what it means to EXIST.I'm not sure what this means. Probably another age old stab at, "What is the meaning of life?"

Hmm...

Not much success there it seems. I say there's been no success because if someone found it, they probably would have told others, and if it was true there'd be a whole lot more people content with their lives... But, then again I might be painting with the wrong brush.

Let me try again...

Who is to say that Hunter S. Thompson's (HST) dope induced lifestyle, was not an example of existence? To exist is to have actual being. There is definitely a difference between those who DO and those who persist to BE. Despite his eccentricities HST persisted to BE in a way that upheld justice, especially when the law was misused to bring the innocent down. That might be somewhat of a 'fluffy' description of HST, but it is evident in his writing and what he stood for. Despite his dope habits HST persisted to BE.

I'm also drawn to the examples of Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela. I like it how Jack Kerouac puts it, "Great things are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion." Somehow whenever I think of these people, I get this kind of impression. They have somehow transcended all trends and fads and popular opinion. They EXIST beyond the need for their identities to be defined by those parameters that make up popular culture.

Hmm... Perhaps...

I should probably read some Kierkegaard and Dostoyevsky and get back to you...

2Articulate. [adj., n. ahr-tik-yuh-lit; v. ahr-tik-yuh-leyt] 1. using language easily and fluently; having facility with words: an articulate speaker.

[PART 2]

Ok, so since my post before the last I have come to a conclusion for now.

I have never been a fan of Third World Child Support Advertisements. They come up so often that I now have remote-control-muscle-memory, click! The channel has changed. The bombardment of the ads left me calloused to what they were proposing. It wasn't that I didn't care, in fact I have been a huge propagator for a greater social awareness of those who are disadvantaged before they are even born.

My often over-zealous attempts at assimilating whoever would listen to me into the CAUSE, there unresponsiveness drove me onto a trajectory of cynicism and self loathing. Was I the only one who cared? Where has everyone's conscience gone? This cynicism and penchant for asking seething questions of myself and those around me, just lead to a deeper spiral of disillusionment.

No, Johnny, I'm not giving up that easily!

Long story short here I am, now, as zealous as ever. Only you probably wouldn't notice if we had a conversation. No, siree. My value is not tied up in your inability to perceive the gross injustices in our world. My hope is that people will see. But I'm better of figuring out my response, before even worrying about who is going to stand in line with as they throw tear gas at us for protesting the Government misconduct of justice. Ok, so I haven't protested YET. But, I'm on my way there. Besides, I wouldn't want to protest issues that I'm not willing to go to jail for. In saying that I respect just about everyone who protest out the desire to see justice for all not just themselves.

Where are you going with this, Andy? What's your point?

What I just wrote probably does not point to my conclusion as neatly as I, or you, would like. But here it goes.

No one human being can carry the weight of the world on their own shoulders.

There it is. I'm sure I have heard it before, but it was good to make the connection between, what I mentioned in [part 1], those on the fringes with no religious affiliation and those who do have that connection. It's hard to know how to balance the discussion. But then again, this is probably more for my own thought process than for yours. Which is a cop out in some ways, but also my way of saying I don't really know what I'm talking about.

Articulate. [adj., n. ahr-tik-yuh-lit; v. ahr-tik-yuh-leyt] 1. using language easily and fluently; having facility with words: an articulate speaker.

Frustration too easily accompanies my inability to put into words those thoughts that stir inside of me. The cat has caught my tongue and is stuck in a tree. No point trying to get a hold of the local Fire Department, my thoughts are still in their early stages and somewhat isolated, like a small town in the country. The Fire Department is made up of volunteers anyway and they closed up shop 3 hours ago. The cat's got my tongue. And with it, my inability to make sense of my thoughts.

Anyway, here it goes...

I've been thinking, as I ended the previous post, about the connection between the ideas of those who situate themselves on the edge through drug taking, alcohol binging and fast living and those who situate themselves on the edge as a result of being followers of Jesus. There are some in the latter category who prescribe to Christian Anarchism. A minority within a minority? Perhaps, but I won't go down that road today.

It doesn't help over dosing on the writings of Hunter S. Thompson, and having your mind on the road with Jack Kerouac. Not helpful in the sense that, you're confronted with your own inability to act in a way as to make it all count, yet somehow you're arrested by pessimism too. Passively consuming media sound-bites, and scoffing everything the tabloid smörgåsbord puts before us, only to inadvertently fuel the incessant greed of those desperate for attention. Or we might just be feeding our-nosy-selves? Living vicariously through the stories of the rich and beautiful. Oh I'm not as rich as those people, we say. We deserve our slice of heaven don't we?, we lie to ourselves.

Often those who push against the cynical picture I just painted (yes, i admit to being cynic!) tend to have as their right hand man, a bottle of whiskey who wildly wields in holster a plethora of drugs. As though in a western, the brutal reality of politics, consumerism and materialism is in a showdown against those who dare to defy them, who quick draw lines of cocaine, acid and copious amounts of weed. Hunter S. Thompson puts it like this in a chat with William McKeen, "Drugs usually enhance or strengthen my perceptions and reactions, for good or ill. They've given me the resilience to withstand repeated shocks to my innocence gland. The brutal reality of politics alone would probably be intolerable without drugs."

Am I for the use of drugs to numb the shocks to the innocence gland? Not necessarily, I'm just really interested in the intersection that might exist. For one, there's a strong sense among those who situate themselves on the edge that the "Church" consists of ignorant fools, and lead by pedophiles of the greatest proportion. There is a sense I have gathered, in my uneducated opinion and mere assumption, that whatever might be the way forward does not exist in religion. I'll add that there is some truth to that.

Where am i going with all of this? Leading you down some dark alley and then... WHACK! You wake up with a searing headache, a black cloth bag over your head as wake you up to the gibberish of your captors. "What should we do with the body once we've taken care of him/her?" No my intentions are innocent, they really are! Honest...

This my attempt to...

Articulate. [adj., n. ahr-tik-yuh-lit; v. ahr-tik-yuh-leyt] 1. using language easily and fluently; having facility with words: an articulate speaker.