I often find myself preoccupied with uneducated self directed pondering that often, but not always, leads nowhere.
Regardless of the example, how does what I ponder change anything if I don't act on it? Like, the idea of being in a relationship is great, right. Long walks on the beach, dinner by candle light, a picnic under a tree. All great stuff!
But where is it, that the idea takes hold wraps itself around your every waking thought that the only possible conclusion, outcome, action, is to take action. To make the first move. To put in place the series of events that realise your mindless meanderings.
It's not often that I'm gripped by the intensity of an idea. Those moments are holy. Perhaps I'm unworthy?
Oh, but there are times! When my unnecessary self loathing, pitiful, melancholic dreariness is taken aback. I'm then left with keys to that mystical, mysterious, messy moment of clarity. I'd be listening to a song. The lyric, the melody, the voice catapults you beyond the confines of merely consuming the music, beyond just being a member of the audience, but propelled forward, inward, outward. The idea has taken root. Take action. Move first.
Reflecting on all of this. I think this happens more often than I think. I'm propelled forward, inward, outward, more times than I'm aware of. Somehow and in some way, I'm always better for it.
It's real crazy how these moments often occur, for me, out of a struggle. Creativity is funny like that.
Your back is up against a wall, your fears and lies have your shoulders pinned right back. You struggle to break free. You're cynical, dark and self loathing. You could either; fight back, but the burden is only heavier; give up, but you only get pushed harder. Or, you could face them, you could look them in the eye, you could even step to the side and let push right on through the wall.
I'm often reminded by a melody, a friends smile, a lyrical inflection, a baby crying. That what MIGHT happen is not as important as what IS happening. There's so much to get preoccupied by that I often miss how BEAUTIFUL it is to be present NOW. The STRUGGLE is about taking back your time, taking back NOW. Too often I plan ahead, what just needs to be enjoyed. I forget that who I am, is good enough for NOW and because of that I am able to BE.
In all of my messiness, incongruently reverberating towards old habits, thoughts, fears, I can be OK with who I am.
Who else would I want be?
